The First Step

I had a little epiphany last night. Little epiphanies are not unusual in my little over-thinking head, as you’ll come to know if you stick with me. Last night’s epiphany concerned this blog and this very post. For it had struck me that since that little ditty of a “First Post” below, I’ve struggled to start producing actual content, to keep some momentum going by continuing – or commencing, rather – to actually write. Ideas keep popping into my head and snippets find their way into the running draft email I use for taking note, but I’ve avoided taking those snippets to the next level by expanding them into actual blog posts. Or even just the one, as would suffice to start.

So I’m laying in bed at 1am, trying to sleep but my mind whirring and wandering – when it suddenly occurs to me, in a WHAM! realisation moment, that the reason I’m struggling with that Publish button is because, even though any of my friends and family would tell you that I’m usually an open book, in the world of online strangers I much prefer my privacy. I don’t mind checking in at an airport or commenting on the latest GoT drama, but when it comes to the issues that really make me tick, especially my deepest spiritual musings – I remain quiet. For fear of ridicule, embarrassment, or even just facing raised eyebrows, I keep my innermost thoughts on the nature of reality to myself. This fear and suppression of self has become such second nature that it has paralysed me and prevented any progress. I have finally realised what might be obvious to most in the blogging world – that these pages will ultimately become a very personal diary. An intimate view of where I’m going, what I’m thinking, how I’m feeling. This is what I must accept and commit to. This I must share.

I don’t mind admitting in the first of such personal disclosures that the prospect of exposing myself in this way makes me pretty uncomfortable. But it also exhilarates and excites me. This post is the first brave step in a whole new direction. The future stretching out ahead is a journey of journeys for me, a telling of both travel tales and soul searches. I will be exploring the universe, from the vast oceans, beaches and jungles of Thailand and beyond, to the depths of my inner self. And this I must share.

I am no expert on anything that lies ahead, on anything I declare or believe, now or in the future. Spiritual secrets are elusive and always subject to new insights, new perspectives, new truths. While I do try more than some to contemplate and grasp the way it all works, in a sense I’m just as lost as anyone; fumbling around finding my way and looking for answers to life’s Big Questions.

But I have seen things.

I’ve felt things.

I’ve had moments of clarity and understanding that are so powerful, the very memory of them becomes my object of faith. That sense of awe that comes with catching a glimpse of the true and beautiful nature of things is something you cannot deny, even in the inevitable moments of doubt that follow. It reassures me, restores me, and leaves me wanting more, to pull back the curtain and bathe in the light beyond. And most of all, it motivates me. It keeps me going down this path of exploration and exposition. It enables me to overcome that fear and trepidation; the certainty that I am on the right path and that it is right to document my discoveries along the way.

All of this, and more…

I will share.